January 25, 2016 - A lot of disturbing
information turned up in the files.
The following is from a blog my daughter wrote and is
still online.
Fuck it.
10:11pm 03/11/2006
mood: nostalgic
music: Nothing but guns.
Yeah. It hurts, but I need to move on.
Even though it seems as if she was the only one I really ever felt comfortable
with.
I really didn't give a damn if people talked about us as we walked around
holding hands.
I need to get over her.
Post
Six Months Too Late.
11:32pm 26/09/2006
mood: I miss her.
music: The Postal Service - Nothing Better
I just read her entry. I didn't know that she wrote that. I keep trying to get
her out of my mind, but I can't. I can't help but love her. All I do is deny
that I'm still in love with her, and all that I want is for us to be happily
together - like we had planned in the past.
I miss everything we had.
I miss laughing with her. Crying with her. Being with her.
I miss driving around town with her.
I miss being in her arms.
I miss seeing her.
I miss calling her.
I miss breaking rules with her.
I miss rocking out with her.
I miss exploring with her.
I miss holding her.
I miss her holding me.
I miss kissing her.
I miss having sex with her.
I miss holding her hand.
I miss going out to eat with her.
I miss talking about how'd we'd always be together.
I miss wrestling her.
I miss watching her watch kids.
I miss everything that happened between us.
I miss how close we were.
I miss crying on the phone when I missed her.
I miss her.
Why couldn't I have read that sooner; before everything went astray, and before
she left?
I wish we had been open about our relationship sooner. I wish our parents knew
sooner and accepted it so that we'd still be talking. I really thought we were
meant to be together. I haven't ever loved anyone as much as I loved her. And
that still holds true. I still love her.
I'm hoping that what she said is the same for how she feels now and that she's
only saying what she is to make it easier on us both.
But I can only hope.
I miss her more than anyone knows.
I just want to be with her.
Post
What the fuck?
02:12am 19/10/2005
mood: hyper
music: "Life After Death & Taxes" by Relient K
Do an experiment on my dad and I.
Fun stuff.
And yes. It is two in the fucking morning.
Anyway. How are you?
Post
I don't understand.
04:59pm 29/09/2005
mood: quixotic
music: A Dead Giveaway - Empty Hearts
I met this girl named Alahnna in my Health class. She says a lot of things that
confuse me. She's always a step ahead of me and whenever I think I've got her, I
don't. In fact, it's quite the opposite.
I really started talking to her on Tuesday (9/20) and she knows Lars. She also
remembers me from the wrestling team, however I vaguely remember her.
She knows that I like her a lot. She's awesome and extremely mature for her age.
She's fourteen, a sophomore. I'm so confused. She's so frustrating.
She figures out what I'm thinking by looking at my eyes, and I attempt the do
the same.
We started hanging out after-school sometime last week. I got impulsive and put
my arm around her. She didn't move. She told me to be "ethical" because she
knows that I'm with Lars. On Friday (my birthday) my mom, my cousins, and I
dropped her off at her house. She gave me a birthday kiss on the cheek and a
hug.
We hung out on Monday and I put my arm around her again. She says "don't slip"
when I get too close. She knows what I'm thinking. If I get even closer she'll
say "don't slip, Val."
I went to her house yesterday (Wednesday). We watched her two younger sisters
until their father picked them up for Open House at their school. Then we went
up to her room. She was sitting at her computer and I put my arm around her and
pulled her chair close to me.
We both know that it's wrong-she's just better at controlling herself. She tells
me that it's wrong and I say to her, "If it's wrong, then why don't you move?"
She responds with "You're going to do what you want to do."
We kept getting closer-well, I did. She didn't move. It's confusing. Does she
want me to stop? I would think that she would move if she wanted me to. So to
test her, I moved her head so that her lips were on my cheek.
I constantly wait for her to "slip." I tried to test her by putting her lips a
centimeter away from mine. I don't move. I want to see if she is. So I moved
back and looked into her eyes. She asked me what I was looking for. Sometimes I
tell her that I don't know. She says "That's bullshit." I know that she knows,
and I tell her that. I ask her, "Why do you ask me if you know the answer?" She
responds with "I want to see if you'll respond." Now I respond with either an
honest answer, or an honest move.
That time, however, I was looking for the "okay" to kiss her. I told her that
and she says "you're going to do what you're going to do."
I put my lips on her cheek, barely touching her lips. I told her that I wasn't
going to move. She started to move and I said "That's not me." She said "I know,
I'm shaking." She hadn't consumed a decent meal in over three days.
Moments later, our lips were compltely touching. My phone was ringing, but I was
busy. Of course I didn't want to answer it. It was only my mom. We continued on.
Our lips remained touching, but the doorbell rang. She ran downstairs and sure
enough, my mom was at the door. It was a suprise. She normally gets off at seven
and I didn't expect her to remember the house. She had only dropped off Alahnna
once.
I remained upstairs, listening to the conversation my mom was having with
Alahnna. I was angry. My mom ruined the moment. I didn't think about it too
long, I knew that moment would come again. Besides, that moment-that scene-plays
numerous times in my head.
My mom called me downstairs I had left my homework and backpack upstairs.
My plan:
- Go downstairs
- tell my mom I needed to get my homework
- ask Alahnna to run back upstairs with me so that I could get it
- give her one last kiss and go back down
Too bad that didn't happen. I asked her if she wanted to go back up to get my
homework with me, and she said "No, I'm in the middle of a conversation with
your mom." That was a disappointing, yet respectable, response.
I can't get what happened yesterday out of my head. It replays, on and on. I
want it to happen again, but it won't.
We had an interesting conversation last night. Her profile says "I'd go lesbian
for Angelina Jolie." I asked her if she'd do that same for me and she said "No.
I'd go bisexual for you." I was suprised by that answer.
I said "I thought you were straight." She said something like, "What can I say?
I'm an actress."
Her moods fluctuate a lot. I can see it in her eyes. I can't look too long. It's
exhausting.
She knows that I'm on meds. She prefers talking to me when I'm off my meds
because she's "really talking to me." When I'm on meds I sometimes have a hard
time concentrating. I'm all-over-the-place and I don't really think about
anything.
Regardless, we have an alluring relationship-from my perspective.
I can't figure her out. She's apathetic.
Just for my future reference-I often forget the meaning of words:
Quixotic
Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals;
idealistic without regard to practicality.
Capricious; impulsive
Post
Fuck that.
08:43pm 11/03/2005
mood: pissed off
music: Atreyu - Bleeding Mascara
Lars' mom and my mom were talking at the Fish Fry and they have decided that
Lars and I talk on the phone too late. They also think that it's Lars that keeps
me up. They're so fucking wrong. The only time he keeps me up is when he has
something bothering him, but I want to stay up and help him. Other than that, if
I tell him that I want to sleep he lets me and doesn't whine about me geting off
the phone. Our moms have no fucking idea what's going on. I'm fucking sick of
them. If they push things any further I'm leaving. I seriously will. Joyce got
upset with Lars and I earlier. I was just messing with his hair. If it was
anyone else she wouldn't have cared. Lars is going up to his brother's house in
San Clemente to do work because he and his mom need money. His brother's such a
fucking jerk. He's always telling Lars that he's stupid and worthless. Then his
mom gets upset but ends up defending Lars' brother somehow. No wonder Lars is
messed up. Lars' mom talked to him and told him that she and my mom are upset.
I'm so fucking sick of their shit.
Post
An Awesome Story
08:35pm 27/01/2004
mood: bored
music: Him (Join Me)
An old fable that has been passed down for generations tells about an elderly
man who was traveling with a boy and a donkey. As they walked through a village,
the man was leading the donkey and the boy was walking behind. The townspeople
said the old man was a fool for not riding, so to please them he climbed up on
the animal's back. When they came to the next village, the people said the old
man was cruel to let the child walk while he enjoyed the ride. So, to please
them, he got off and set the boy on the animal's back and continued on his way.
In the third village, people accused the child of being lazy for making the old
man walk, and the suggestion was made that they both ride. So the man climbed on
and they set off again. In the fourth village, the townspeople were indignant at
the cruelty to the donkey because he was made to carry two people. The
frustrated man was last seen carrying the donkey down the road.
Hahaha. I love that story. The first time I heard it was in church. It is true
though. You can't please everyone.
Nothing much is going on. Lars and I got in trouble today just because Lars
asked me a question. So I'm pretty unhappy about that, but hey, there's nothing
I can do about it. So that's it for now.
Post
So, Where Is He Now?
07:10pm 26/01/2004
mood: depressed
music: Evanescense (My Immortal)
Yesterday I got up, did some homework, then went to the church for information
about a play. After I called my Mom and told her to bring Jiffy because Joyce
had her dog there and I wanted the two dogs to meet. After, my Mom an I went to
the dog park in Grossmont. It was our first time there. So Jiffy played and we
left because I was getting cold. My Mom noticed that we were near my Dad's
house. She's been telling me that my Dad sold my Grandpa's condominium and lives
in my Dad's house, but I have been telling her that it's the other way around.
We drove by my Dad's house and we didn't see his car. Then we went to my
Grandpa's condominium to see if his car was there and it was. We didn't go in or
anything. It just kind of bothers me how my Dad just won't come out from hiding.
My Mom could just get her attorney and my Dad's drivers license will be taken
away, he will not be allowed to leave the country, he'll have to give my Mom the
child support money he hasn't been giving, and he could possibly end up in jail.
My Mom isn't going to do that because she doesn't want to do that to him and I
don't want her to. So, I don't know. I wish I were seeing my therapist this
week. There weren't any openings, but I will see my psychiatrist on Wednesday
because the Zoloft hasn't been working as well so they're going to make the dose
higher. So I don't know. I've just been feeling kind of depressed and I
sometimes feel like I don't know who I am or that nothing is real. It's weird.
I'll have to tell my psychologist. It's so hard for me to bring things up
though. I hate all of these damn mood swings. One minute I'm happy and the next
I'm getting ready to slice my arm open. Actually, it has been 34 days since the
last time I self-injured. I'm going to go do something, and maybe it will help
me feel better, I don't know...
Post
Nothing Much
08:02pm 24/01/2004
mood: blah
music: Nirvana - Lithium
Nothing much has been going on, although I did tell my Biology teacher that I
have depression. I was telling her that I didn't have my spiral completed
because things havn't been going well the past couple of weeks, which is true.
So she asked me what was wrong and I told her that I would rather not say. So
after class I stayed after and appologized for not being caught up on my spiral
and she was very understanding. Then I told her about my depression. I stayed at
her class after with Lars and did some homework. After, I went to Lars' house,
then worked out in his gym, and after we went to the movies. Lizzie birthday
party was today, so Happy Birthday to her =). We just pretty much hung out. I
went to my cousins house after and she taught me some game with plastic cups.
Hahaha, then I hit my head on my cousins' dresser. So now I have a headache. I'm
going to see my psychiatrist on Wednesday so I'm missing my first two periods.
Lars is in my World Geography class now. I'm so happy about it. I guess that's
it. I'm not feeling too great right now. Kind of empty... but oh well.
Post
Thanksgiving
07:54pm 28/11/2003
mood: good
music: Metallica (Fade To Black)
HAPPY BELATED THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! Haha, I'll add more stuff to this entry
later.
Post
I love you Lars!!!
07:57am 11/11/2003
mood: loved
music: Nothing, but the T.V. is on in the background
Yesterday Lars, Jordan, Lizzie, Michelle, and Darrell came over. We just hung
out, then we went to the movies and met Jem and Veronica there. We watched Scary
Movie 3. I'm so happy. The whole time I got to just lean on Lars. I love him so
much! I'm so happy that I'm going out with him.
Post
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11:57am 09/11/2003
mood: loved
music: I'm listening to the radio.
Lars asked me out yesterday. The offical date and time is Saturday, November 8,
2003, 8:46 PM. YAY!!!!! He might come over tomorrow, along with some other
people. Then we're going to go to the movies. I'm so excited!!!
Post
Self-Injury Survey
11:36pm 01/11/2003
mood: numb
music: Saves The Day (Nightingale)
1. Are you a boy/girl? Girl
2. Age: 14
3. How old were you when you started cutting? 13
4. Does anyone know you cut? Yes
5. Does your parent(s)/ guardian(s) know? Yes
6. Do you ever burn or bruise yourself? Does salting count as burning?
7. Do you think that you are depressed? I have been diagnosed with depression
and I am on Zoloft.
8. Do you think you have anxiety problems? Yes
9 Do you think you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? It's possible.
10. Do you have any other disorders? Yes. I think that I have BPD
11. Do you have an eating disorder? No
12. Are you on meds? (if yes what?) Yes. Zoloft.
13. Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide
attempt? No
14. Have you tried to commit suicide? (multiple times how many?) No
15. How? I didn't.
16. Does anyone know that you tried? I didn't try.
17. Are you are have you ever been abused in any way? Not really.
18. Have you ever been sexually assaulted? No
19. How(if you don't mind saying)? I haven't.
20. Do you do drugs? (what, how much, how often)? No
21. Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing? As much as I want to do it,
I consider it a bad thing.
22. Do you wish you could stop? Kind of...
23. Do you wish to stop in the future? Yes
24. What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting? When I feel
like cutting I'm either depressed, angry, or numb.
25. When you cut does it hurt? Not really.
26. Do you bandage your cuts? No
27. Where do you most normally cut? My arms.
28. Please describe it, color, atmosphere) I dont know...
29. Are you alone? I feel alone...
30. Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you? I use razors. I
used to carry pins and things like that with me, but I don't anymore.
31. Have you ever made a weapon out of something ordinary or something you
found? I don't think so.
32. What have you used to injure yourself? Pins, nail filer, salt and ice, and
razors.
33. How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story? I'm not sure.
34. Have people ever asked about your cuts/scars? Yes
35. What did you tell them? It depends on who's asking
36. Do you ever show people your cuts/scars? (why or why not and who?) It
depends on who wants to see them.
37. Do you ever design a cut (make it decorative or in a certain shape)? No
38. Are your cuts lines or in rows, or designs? Random
39. Have you ever cut too deep? No
40. Have you ever scared yourself while, before or after cutting? No. I'm only
afraid my Mom will find out. She thinks that I stopped.
41. Do you go to therapy? Yes
42. Do you have trust issues? Sometimes
43. Do you sit in corners? I always feel like it, but i hardly ever do.
44. Do you know people or hang out with people who cut? Yes
Post
Fire!!!
10:19pm 26/10/2003
mood: scared
music: Just listening to the news
I'm so fucking scared. The fire in San Diego is completely out of control. We're
starting to get our stuff together. Some people are saying that there is school
tomorrow, but there can't be. It's not right. And anyway, who would go? I really
hope that my mom decides not to go to work tomorrow. My Grandpa and Dad live in
Mission Trails and all of them were evacuated. I hope they're ok. I'm going to
cry. This is fucking crazy. My eyes hurt from the smoke and ashes. I had to use
my inhaler earlier because of the smoke. I just want everything to be ok.
Post
Poor Jiffy, He's been Sexually Harrassed
08:22pm 12/10/2003
mood: content
music: Weezer (Island in the Sun)
I took my beagle Jiffy to the OB dog beach yesterday. Jerry and my Mom came. We
actually let him loose. So he ran around. Then some little rat terrier started
chasing after him. Then it started to fuck him. Poor Jiffy. They were both male.
Then some big white dog tried to. Then some brownish-tan colored dog tried to.
There were like 3 other beagles there. There was a cute little puppy. After we
walked around OB. Then we went to some Japanese place. I forgot what it was
called, but i used to go there a lot with my Dad and his girlfriend. It brought
back memories. So today I gave Jiffy a bath and did some homework. School starts
tomorrow, but I'm not going. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist for the
first time tomorrow at 10 AM. It's only going to take around an hour, but I
don't feel like going back to school so I'm just going to hand out with my Mom
and Jerry.
Post
I'm Sleepy
06:11pm 10/10/2003
mood: sleepy
music: Saves The Day (All I'm Losing is Me)
Today I went to the mall. I went to go and buy some birthday presents for my
mom, even though she told me not to get her anything and her birthday is a month
away. I bought her the new White Stripes CD and a really nice Sterling Silver
necklace at Mervins. Yesterday I was in Eastlake. I went to Jerica's house, then
her mom dropped us off at Rosanne's house. Then we went to the park to meet
Ernani, Mari, Robert, and Tintin. Jerica, Rosanne, and I met Sarah on the way
there. We watched part of the Eastlake vs. Otay game. It got kind of boring.
Otay won. Then my uncle picked me up, after everyone left. Tomorrow Jerry, my
Mom, and I are taking Jiffy to the dog park. Hopefully it doesn't rain.
Post
PARTAY! Sort of....
08:42pm 06/10/2003
mood: irritated
music: Saves The Day (At Your Funeral)
I didn't really have a party. I just had some friends over. Lizzie, Ernani,
Veronica, Benny, Sarah, Jordan, Michelle, Darrell, and Chris came over today. We
played some stuff on the guitar and drums and some people were sang on the
kareoke machine. Some people played the piano. They liked Jiffy (my beagle). So
I had fun. There was supposed to just be this get-together type thing at my
house, but then they changed their mind. So they wanted to go to the movies, but
I couldn't because I planned my band to practice at my house so I had to be
there. So then Jordan called and said that no one was there so they came to my
house and we just hung out. Then in the evening I got a lecture about watching
and making sure my friends don't mess up or steal anything and that I have to
make sure they turn off things such as the T.V. None of my friends would steal
anything. I completely trust them.
Post
I didn't make it.
09:43pm 05/10/2003
mood: guilty
music: Dashboard Confessional (As Lovers Go)
I didn't make it last night. I ended up cutting. It wasn't bad, but enough to
make it bleed a lot. So I feel guilty now. I was doing so well. I think it was
about month. So I'm starting over. I'm just afraid my mom will find out. She
thinks that I stopped. My psychologist knows that I haven't though. So tomorrow
I'm having the people in our band come over to my house for practice. I was
going to have a lot of people come over, but no one has a ride so I guess it's
just going to be me and the band, but I'm ok with that. Maybe the others will
show up, who knows. They want to go to the movies, but I can't because I thought
they were all going to my house, but they always change the plans, so oh well. I
went up to the North County Fair mall today with my mom and Lizzie. I didn't
really buy anything, just new underwear. Hahaha. So then Lizzie stayed at my
house for a while. So that's pretty much it.
Post
I must control myself....
11:39pm 04/10/2003
mood: worried
music: The Juliana Theory (August in Bethany)
Crap! I have this urge to cut myself, and it came from nowhere. No matter how
much I want to, I'm not going to do it. When my psychologist comes back she's
going to ask me if I've cut while she was gone and I want to truthfully and
proudly say "no," but it's too damn hard. I don't think I'll make it through...
Post
What to think...
10:37pm 03/10/2003
mood: confused
music: Weezer - Say It Ain't So and Hot Hot Heat - Bandages
I just don't know what to think. I haven't seen my dad since January 9, 2000. I
saw my psychologist on Tuesday (September 30) and we started talking about my
Dad and whether I wanted to see him or not. I really want to see my Dad, but I'm
scared. I don't want to deal with anything. He would always put me in the middle
of things and he had all of these weird habits that drove me crazy. I really
didn't like staying at his house when I was in fifth grade because I was so
bored. I wouldn't do anything there and he didn't really allow me to do
anything. I had to get permission to do things, and most of the time he would
deny it. So yeah... I was talking to my psychologist and she says that I should
just talk to him because I can't wait forever and that she would be there every
step of the way. She's going to talk to my dad before I can see him. So even
though I have a lot of support from my psychologist, mom, pediatrician, and
friends, I'm still nervous and scared. I'm going to be putting my mom through
some stress too. She doesn't mind me seeing my dad though, but my dad is the
complete opposite. My dad told me that he was moving to Japan with his
girlfriend, but my mom keeps telling me that he never moved because he couldn't
afford it and that he even said that to her. So yeah... my psychologist is
awesome. I don't think my mom likes her much though. Ever since my psychologist
started talking about me being on medication for my depression. So I see a
psychiatrist about it on October 13th and I see my psychologist again on October
20th. So many things are going to be going on this month. I'm just confused on
where my dad is. I don't know who's right. It has ALWAYS been that way between
my parents. I used to think that everything was my mom's fault because of what
my dad would say, but my mom had a talk with me and it contradicted everything
my dad said, and I feel bad for believing him. So I don't know...
Post
Craziness...
04:03pm 03/10/2003
mood: stressed
music: None
I have so much work to do before I go back to school. I keep telling myself I'm
going to do it, but then I don't do it. I just don't have enough motivation to
do homework, or anything for that matter. I guess I'll try and start my homework
right now.
Post |
|
|
The following information is possibly from around 2005.
Dear Valerie,
Hi. I am happier than you could possibly know. You really did a nice thing
tonight. I know it will be difficult for you and I to see each other but we are
gonna move forward now. I missed you and love you more than words can say. After
seeing you I called Auntie Cheryl and she was really happy you and I met. She
said to say hi to you. I am gonna send you email every day. I could not find
your picture in my space. Maybe takes a couple of days to show up. Please send
me email at this address but also send email in my space tonight. Easier for you
to find my profile. I love you very much. Talk to you again.
Love,
Papa
Case number
695217910
court order number
d292548
pin
0805021012
http://www.psychiatriccenters.com/
Facilitator: Amiee Handfinger, Ph.D
Phone: (858) 571-5437 3 and 4
Office: Child & Adolescent Center
dramiee@yahoo.com
877-257-7273 7 3 4
bipolar disorder
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bipolar.cfm
Amiee
Hi. I really needed to tell you a few things and decided to send email. There is
no need for you to reply to this. Can discuss everything next time I talk with
you. Anyway, I was thinking about this situation. Recently I am becoming a bit
depressed even though things are going really well for me now. I realized this
is because of the situation with Valerie. Before I pretty much accepted not
being able to see her. Now that the possibility to see her exists, it makes it
more difficult not to see her.
It really seems like I am the extra in this situation. I was not able to
experience the last six years with Valerie and I missed a lot. The “other
parent” chose to keep Valerie to herself and because of this must now deal with
the consequences of her actions.
Quite honestly, now I am dealing with all these new problems without any of the
benefits. Specifically, I am now thrown back into the situation of Valerie and
her problems, the other family and their problems, more frequent contact with
the boyfriend and his problems, and long conversations with you. Although I
would do anything for Valerie, it will not be at my expense, not this time. I am
without a family, a car, a drivers license, etc. I paid my dues over the last
nine years, at least five of those years fairly dysfunctional. No more.
If things do not change soon then I am moving to Japan permanently early next
year. I talked for a long time with my girlfriend who believes I went through
enough and is offering a very pleasant situation with her in the countryside of
Japan. I am going to try to find a way to pay the child support and then leave.
If I get at least something then it may make a difference in my thinking. No
doubt the “other parent” will not allow this.
Anyway, this is what I want, at least for now. I want to spend the first
Thanksgiving in years with Valerie. This means the entire four days. The last
few years I spent it with friends and watched them enjoy this time with their
families. I am happy for them although it is difficult for me to see this. Now
that my family, Valerie, has returned, I think it is only fair that I should
spend this holiday with her for once.
No more garbage from the other family. If this holiday thing actually happens,
then I can take it from there. If not, then let everyone else deal with this. I
am not going to be the extra in this situation any more.
Howie
xTheCerealKiller: (619) 395-0595
916 845 4532
Amiee,
Hi. I was really happy to talk with you today. Many very positive changes this
week. Anyway, I neglected to tell you that I can most easily be reached in the
morning between 8:00 am and 11:00 am. I usually go hiking, bike riding or to
Starbucks after that. Yup my world has a radius of about four miles. Sounds
boring but my situation is very comfortable and peaceful. I can actually take
time and smell the knishes. Hm, I made that up now. Feel free to use it anytime.
Kidding.
Anyway, I am hoping you get authorization to meet me at Starbucks. This is the
address and a link to a map.
The address of the Starbucks is 8898 Navajo Road. It is located in the
Washington Mutual shopping center. You can click the following link for the
location.
http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?searchtype=address&country=US&addtohistory=&searchtab=home&address=8898+navajo+road&city=san+diego&state=ca&zipcode=92119
Please check my San Diego site when you can. This is a more than 600 page site.
I also made the International EFL Cafe, a more than 1,200 page site and the
International JFL Cafe, a more than 200 page site. The links to these sites are
on the home page of my San Diego site. Thanks for checking.
Anyway, I can meet you any day and any time. Talk with you again. Until then.
Howie
Akiko
Hi. I am gonna explain this to you now.
Many years ago, I was dating this girl. She is Asian. It was a difficult
relationship. Many problems but I wanted to be with this girl. She was very
angry because of relationship before and was not good to me. I tried to change
her but she told many lies to me and sleeping with other guys. It was difficult
for me to leave her because in a way she needed me.
In 1989 she got pregnant with my baby. She had difficult time to deliver baby
and she and baby almost died. After baby was born then she came to stay at my
house. I set up nice baby room and home. She wanted to show the baby to her
family. I went there and waited in the truck. Then she is running out of the
house and her brother is running to kill the baby. The family could not accept
situation. They are really religious and could not accept baby without marriage.
Then went back to my house. My Mom had to stay at the house because baby not
doing good and the other parent had to be cut to deliver baby and was not able
to move a lot. Then other parent missed family and wanted to go back to the
family home. I said the baby is gonna stay with me because they are gonna kill
the baby.
She put her family as more important than me and the baby. Then she went back to
family home. I stayed at my home with my mom and the baby. A few days later the
police came and took the baby from me. In California the mom has a lot of power.
I was very sad and went to court to get baby. They would not give to me even
though I had good job and good situation and the other family was crazy. The
court gave me a lot of visitation for the baby. Her name is Valerie.
In the next seven years, Valerie and I became extremely close. Maybe more than
any dad and daughter. The other parent was not happy about this. During that
time I began dating Martha, the girl from Palau. She loved Valerie and this made
the other parent more angry.
During this time the other parent went crazy because I was with Martha. She
would call my work more than 50 times in one day and hang up the telephone. Many
times my boss called me in the office. I was the top worker and because of this
I do not lose my job. The other parent would call my parents and yell at them
and say terrible things. This caused a lot of stress for them.
Then Martha and I split up and about a year later I was with Rumi, the girl from
Toyama. Rumi and Valerie were even closer. This made the other parent even more
crazy. Then she tried to keep Valerie from seeing me and made Valerie crazy with
questions when she visited me on the weekends.
My family and my friends did not like the other parent at all. My parents tried
to keep good situation and went to many events if Valerie was performing. The
other parent did not want to be around my family at all. My parents said that
the other parent was gonna cause them to pass away because of stress and then it
happened.
Valerie had a big seventh birthday party. It was with me and my parents and
hundreds of other family relatives. My parents were dancing and after the dance
my mom passed away in front of me at the party.
My sister was not in California and did not want to come in for the service for
my mom. It was terrible. Finally she came in because my cousin in Canada pushed
her. Then she is in the condo with my dad and me and my cousin. My sister is
working on laptop the entire time and does not seem sad at all. Then she is
making my dad crazy because she wanted antiques and many nice things. Then me
and Rumi and Valerie need to sleep in the hallway at night to keep my sister
from stealing things from the back bedroom. It was awful. Then finally I tell
sister to get out and go to hotel. This is during the week of service for my
mom. After that there was no contact with sister.
After that I could not work for awhile. I could not eat or sleep. About a week
after the party I was in a car accident. It was not bad but had to go to court.
About a month after that I was in a really bad car accident on the freeway. The
other driver had no insurance and was going to drive away. I was standing in the
middle of the freeway, in the rain, in front of other drivers car then they
could not drive away. The police came and took other driver away.
After that I was in therapy for head and neck injuries, It was very bad. This is
why I get headaches now. I had to go back to court again because the driver had
no insurance. I was still in therapy. Then about a month later I was in another
car accident. This time a city garbage truck hit my truck. The truck was already
repaired and now the other side was all messed up.
This messed up my head and neck more. Then I had to go to court again because
the city does not want to pay. Then everything was settled and I am trying to be
strong but not good. Rumi was very good to me and tried to make me better. Then
months later there was a fire at my house. It destroyed many of my work files
and made it difficult to keep my business.
After that my truck exploded on the freeway and needed about 5000 to repair. Now
my power was almost gone.
During the years with all these problems I continued to be an incredible dad.
Then me and Valerie and Rumi getting even closer. I was doing all the
transportation to see Valerie. It was total 50 miles drive.
The other parent became more angry and took me to court. She got an attorney for
the court. I represented myself and made a 125 page case. The court gave me even
more time with Valerie and reduced the amount of money per month.
Then the other parent went completely crazy. The court said that she had to do
transportation for Valerie now. Then the other parent does not follow court
order and plays games using Valerie. She does not even bring Valerie for the
birthday of my Dad. Every time Valerie went home she got many questions about
the weekend and Rumi. This was a lot of stress for Valerie and she became very
nervous. Valerie would sit on the floor of the entry of my house and cry that
she did not want to go home.
I became worse and worse to watch Valerie get messed up. I began to be unable to
do anything. Then Rumi said I should go to Japan with her. Then I went to Toyama
for about two weeks. This trip messed me up more. I loved Japan. Then I do not
want to be in the US anymore. Many awful memories. Then I came back with Rumi
and was completely depressed. Now I cannot leave the house even to do gardening
and things that I liked.
My house condition and yard became worse and worse. Then my neighbors worried
about me. Then I get many strange habits and could not answer the door. I was
worried to go to court again. I began leaving the lights off in the house. At
one time I put my head into the wall to kill myself because I gave up. This was
the end of 1999. Then I could see that Valerie was affected because of my
strange behavior. It was really difficult decision for me but I decided not to
see Valerie anymore then she would not see me all messed up.
The last day that I saw Valerie was January 9, 2000. Rumi had already made
reservations to return to Japan. She could no longer try anymore. Rumi was very
good to me for three years and even had overstay on her visa and would not be
allowed to return to America. Rumi begged me to go to Japan with her. She said
it was the only place where I actually got better. I could not go. There was no
power. Then two days later on January 11, 2000, Rumi returned to Japan. I spent
hundreds of dollars to call her for about two weeks. She was the only support
for me. Then she said that she met someone and not to call her again.
After that I disconnected my telephone and sat in my house with the lights off
for three months. I lost a lot of weight and went from about 195 pounds to about
135 pounds. It became difficult to even go to the bathroom. My dad would come to
the house but he did not know what to do. A close friend of my family passed
away and I could not even go to the service. Finally after three months, my dad
made me move to the condominium.
I moved there but could still not go out. It took a few months before I could go
hiking and even then I could not look at people or talk to them. Then one day on
the top of the mountain, I needed to make a decision. I was thinking to throw
myself off the mountain and end everything. Then I thought of my mom and went
back home. At that point the decision was made not to give up.
I was not working and I had to sell my house or get in trouble with the bank.
There was not much money in the house now and it belonged to my dad because it
was the original down payment. Maybe difficult for you to understand about the
money stuff.
I was determined to return to Japan. I enrolled at Grossmont college and began
to study Japanese. It was difficult to be in class with students and sometimes
it freaked me out. I made it through and got the degree with a 4.0 score which
is a perfect score in America. Then I went to SDSU and got the teaching
certificate.
I was much better now and I tried to see Valerie again. I called the other
parent and she said that I could only see Valerie if someone from San Diego
County was there. This was a total lie and not in the court papers. Anyway, I
felt like a criminal and it was awful. Then I decided that I could not lose
myself again and decided not to see Valerie until she was 18 and would not be
controlled from the other family.
Riechan had already split up with me on a previous birthday. It was difficult to
stay in the condo with her but she was extremely close to my dad maybe more than
he was with his own kids. He had many problems with his hip and cancer. Riechan
had worked with old people for more than eight years in Japan. I need to handle
staying with ex girlfriend because it was good for my dad.
Then I went and stayed with Riechan family for three months in Japan. This is
when I met you. That trip was very good for me. I could be away from everything.
For the first time in many years, I could feel peace.
Then I went back to Japan for eight months which is the time you and I decided
to get married. After this trip and my happiness with you changed me again. I
actually wanted a future and decided to make the English Internet site to make a
difference in the world. The time in Japan with you was the happiest time for me
in many years.
I could not talk about the past before. It was too difficult and every time if I
try to talk about it then crying and worried I am gonna be messed up again. This
is why I do not tell anyone.
Anyway, for many years I do not make the child support payments. This is why
California took away my drivers license. I know that I should pay this money and
now gonna find a way to get the money reduced and then maybe I can pay. Now I am
not feeling good and want to use the money for me but it depends on the decision
of California.
Anyway, on October 13, 2005, California put a message on the telephone answering
machine. They want the money. The next day, called them and they are sending
papers to get money amount reduced.
Then on October 15, 2005, I went hiking with a group. When I came home there was
a girl waiting outside. It was already not very light outside. She had a folder
and looked like she was selling something. When I asked what she wanted she said
nothing. I asked again and she said “Papa, it’s Valerie. Then we hugged each
other and cried. No one knew she was coming to the house. Then we went in the
house and talked for a couple hours. Then we decided to always contact each
other.
Valerie is a really good girl. She said that she remembered all the values that
I taught her over the years. Even as a young girl Valerie and I talked about
everything. She knew from me that drugs, alcohol and smoking were not good. She
also knew that sex was for when you get older. Even with all her problems, she
has stayed away from drugs, alcohol, smoking and sex. This is very difficult
because most kids in school are already doing these things. She has top grades
and she is in honors program. She plays many instruments and is involved in many
groups. She remembers everything we used to do together and is happy again.
Anyway these are the problems. Valerie is suffering from extreme depression at
times and a condition called OCD. This means Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She
probably got this from me. Now she needs everything really in a certain order
and has many strange habits. She probably got this from the time she spent with
me when I was messed up. She has tried to commit suicide and has cut herself on
numerous occasions. I told Valerie this is nothing to be ashamed of and that now
we are together again and can be there for each other. She cried which she said
that she cannot do at home or even in front of her psychologist. The only time
she could ever be herself was with me, my family or Rumi. Valerie is also taking
Zoloft which is depression medication.
Valerie said that she got like this mostly because of not seeing me anymore. She
also said that everyone in her other family is crazy. The grandmother is very
quiet and pretty normal but everyone else is crazy she said. The grandfather
yells constantly and is very difficult to deal with. The youngest uncle has a
really bad temper and is like the grandfather. The youngest aunt has learning
disabilities and spends most her time in a fantasy world. The oldest uncle is
gay, and very quiet and difficult to talk to. The oldest sister seemed normal to
me. Now Valerie tells me that the parents physically and emotionally abuse their
kids. They seemed like the only stable people in that family but even they are
crazy.
The other parent is worst of all. Nothing changed. When Valerie came to my
house, the other parent called Valerie at least ten times within 30 minutes.
Then I could see Valerie getting stressed out because of this. The other parent
pushed Valerie into being really religious. Valerie said religion is not
important to her but she was pushed to go. She is still very nervous.
Anyway, I am not gonna push Valerie at all for anything. I want her to see me
when she can without affecting her situation. This is the best thing for her
now. She is on my space and we chat.
Anyway, I love you more than you know. I could not talk about this to anyone
including you. Now that I am back with Valerie it is peace for me and freedom
for my mind. Because of the past I lost Rumi and Riechan. I want to stay with
you if you can understand. Now this is all up to you. Talk again.
Howie
Amiee
Hi. I thought it might be a good idea to write to you about recent events and my
thoughts.
I saw Valerie a month ago for the first time in almost six years. During this
first month of being together I only saw her twice.
Also during this month, Valerie wasted no time sending email about all the
things she is doing with her friends such as staying the weekend in Julian and
going to Barona or some other casino. She has plenty of free time to do these
things with friends but does not bother to visit me or even take a few minutes
to call.
I really wanted to spend Thanksgiving with Valerie for the first time in more
than six years, but this is obviously not going to happen.
Kinda funny because a month ago she really pushed me to add her chat program to
my computer. After chatting a few times, the novelty apparently wore off and she
was not online anymore. Incidentally I uninstalled and deleted that program
today.
It was easier for me before I began seeing her again because I accepted the fact
that I would not see her for a long time. Now it is possible to see her and she
does not even make an effort. This is much more difficult for me.
I realize now that I was nothing more than a curiosity for everyone. Now that
everyone knows my situation, the mystery is over and everyone can go back to
doing what they were doing before without even giving me a thought.
Even her boyfriend made every effort to get in contact with me and I was more
than happy to spend a considerable amount of time on the telephone with him and
enlighten him as to what really went on the last 16 years. Interestingly enough,
he is going through the same garbage with that screwed up family. Nothing
changed over all these years. Anyway, now that he knows everything, the mystery
is over and he does not contact me either.
At this point there is nothing more for me to lose. There is no more family for
the other parent to torment. It is refreshing to be able to tell everyone the
truth now.
You and everyone else in this situation seem content to totally disregard my
feelings. Try to imagine if your family and everyone who is important to you is
gone. Every day you are alone in your house, eat alone, watch tv alone, etc.
Valerie is not the only one with feelings in this situation. I am sad, lonely
and depressed since Valerie came back because of the lack of contact.
Because of this, I think it is better for all of us to go back to the way things
were. Quite honestly there is nothing more to say about all this. I am sad,
depressed and angry and want nothing more to do with this situation. I am
already making plans to move to Japan permanently next year. I am going to be in
the countryside and it will be difficult for Valerie to contact me there.
You can inform the other parent not to worry about the child support. Already
working on a way to pay at least part of it now. That was her only concern all
these years anyway.
There really is no need for you to call me about any of this. I spent too many
years being controlled, regulated, analyzed and advised. I am not interested in
anything anyone wants to say. The other parent wanted Valerie to herself all
these years, then so be it.
Really sad though. Valerie missed out on being with her grandparents because of
that awful bitch. Now she gets to miss out on being with one of her parents.
Kind of interesting that in trying to destroy everything around me, the bitch
actually destroyed herself. She could not get what she wanted all these years
which was a normal family of her own.
Anyway, I wrote this very quickly so you could know my real thinking. Editing
would tend to diminish my true intent. Although this is not a literary
masterpiece, hopefully it will shed some light on the situation.
Good luck with Valerie. No doubt the road ahead will be long and difficult but
eventually she will be better. Talk to you again.
Howie
Hi. I really thought a lot about writing to you and decided this was necessary
now. I want you to know some things.
I can not ever forgive you for what you did to me and my family. You tormented
and stressed out my Mom until her death. You called her on the telephone over
and over and screamed and used awful language. You completely lost control of
yourself. The stress you caused her is documented in her medical records. She
always said that you would be the cause of her death and ironically you were.
The events that took place the night that Valerie celebrated her 7th birthday
changed everything.
You continued to torment my Dad the same way with calls to him even though you
could not even bother to let him see his granddaughter. He is gone now and
Valerie missed the opportunity to know him. You took away something from her
that she can not ever get back. She also missed six years with me which
obviously affected her deeply resulting in her mental problems, attempted
suicides and cutting herself and pulling our her hair.
You said for years that you would do anything to destroy me. The hundreds of
calls to my work and the times in court. The awful telephone calls and the awful
language. It almost worked. After my Mom passed away, I went through many years
of guilt. I believed that I was the cause of her death for not listening to stay
away from you. After that I went through three car accidents, a house fire,
numerous car problems and the trips to court with you.
In 1999 I completely lost my confidence and my ability to work and function in
society. You accomplished your task and took away and destroyed everything and
everyone who was important to me. Rumi stayed in the United States illegally for
a long time with overstay on her Visa in an attempt to get me back to normal but
the damage was too severe. During 1999, I became unable to leave the house for
anything even to go out in the yard. I completely cut contact with my neighbors
and friends.
Valerie said you questioned her about her weekends and Rumi every time she went
home. You made her crazy and at such a young age. Many times she did not want to
go home. She sat on the floor of my hallway and cried. Because of this I knew
she was getting messed up. It was also not good for her to see me messed up
either. Rumi made reservations to go back to Japan on January 11, 2000. She told
me that if I would not go with her the relationship was be over.
I knew that I could not handle seeing Valerie without Rumi and decided to see
Valerie for the last time on January 9, 2000. After Rumi went back to Japan she
called me and said it was over. From that point on I spent three months in the
house with a small light on and nothing more. I could not eat and lost about 60
pounds within that time. I lost strength and enery which affects me even now. My
Dad could not figure out what to do. Finally he convinced me to move to the
condominium.
After that it took a few more months before I could even talk with people again.
I began to slowly regain confidence. During this time I missed Valerie terribly.
The one time I tried to see her you said that I could only see her with
supervision even though there were no papers from the court specifying this. I
finally gave up completely to see Valerie again.
In the years that followed I traveled abroad and tried to get my head together.
I made all new friends and tried to begin again. During this time my condition
became worse. The headaches came back and I began to lose weight again. I was
unable to do the things that I like to do and once again began battling severe
depression and was on medication from time to time.
Within the last few years I found my purpose again doing community work and
helping others around the world. I use my Internet sites to raise money for
charities and other groups.
Interesting though that in trying to destroy me, actually you destroyed
yourself. You could not ever get what you wanted most which was a husband and a
family of your own. Your only child was not able to experience a normal family
and a normal situation. Your family is far from normal. I know about the
physical and emotional abuse your sister Perlita and her husband Nathan do to
the kids. I know about the yelling and control in your house. I know the
excessive control you put on Valerie including her involvement in religion. This
actually made me laugh. No doubt you are trying to keep Valerie from doing all
the awful things that you did when you where younger. Sleeping with many guys
including my ex friends brother and getting drunk all the time. I know that
Valerie spends hours in room because she does not feel she fits in that family.
She said that she is taller, looks different and thinks different than everyone
else. It is sad that she could not experience my normal family.
Everything comes back to you when you are an awful person. You already are and
will be paid back through Valerie and the problems she will experience. As you
know psychic ability runs in my family with me probably experiencing the
strongest ability. During the last few years I experienced terrible dreams and
visions about Valerie. Unfortunately the worst is coming for her. You should be
prepared for that. This is your payment for destroying me and my family. There
are also medical problems that run in my family that you do not know about.
Valerie might need this information as she gets older.
You lost so much because of your actions. When I moved to the condominium there
was no room for my stuff. I could not bear to look at anything contacted with
Valerie including her first baby things and other stuff. It was all thrown out.
Valerie lost all this and cannot ever get it back.
Anyway, I sent out forms this week to basically ask you and court to wipe out
the current child support balance to allow me to try and get my situation back
to normal. My money will run out in a few years. I am being checked for cancer
now and need that money for medical expenses. I need a car and a drivers license
which the county was nice enough to take away making it even more difficult to
find work.
I know you will not agree to wipe out the child support balance. Quite honestly
I think you owe my at least this much. I am going to be really straight with you
and tell you that there is an option that will allow me to pay that money back.
When I was in Japan I made very good and close friends. One of my friends is
extremely wealthy in fact his company built more than half of the city I stayed
at. He knows about my situation and has agreed to pay the child support in full.
The problem is that he would require me to work for him at his hotels. I want to
stay in the United States know that Valerie is back with me again.
Now there are two choices you can make. Wipe out the child support balance and
allow me to get back a normal relationship with Valerie. The other choice is to
require full payment. If you choose to this then nothing I can do to change it.
The money was always more important to you than Valerie and what was best for
her. For example a relationship with me and my family.
Quite honestly, I expect you will want all the money. You should know that in
that event, I will move to Japan permanently and not continue any relationship
with Valerie. Anyway that is all for now. |
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